denial

sometimes i think i am in denial about things.

one denial in particular that has wracked my mind as of late is the 'am i out of shape/in shape?' debate.

am i in shape?

i don't know.

i am not fat.

no.

in fact, i am skinny! 

that must mean i am in shape, right? 

this denial has seemed to come to the fore front of my mind after having my second child. 

let me give you a bit of background...

i grew up super skinny. 


i was made fun of because of how skinny i was. 


i could eat anything and everything and i stayed small.

i got asked if i was anorexic, i got told i needed help with my bulimia, and told i needed to eat more of this or of that to gain 
weight. 

i really struggled with exercise, and got winded easily. but that is normal right? everyone gets winded. its just those super athletic people that like exercise that don't.  

i didn't mind that i was skinny.

i danced and kept active, but i was tired and felt icky most of the time.


i couldn't run a mile and made sure that in gym class i got out of the running. i would do errands for the gym teacher and would get credit for it. 

i started modeling and was even told by some clients that i was too skinny.

(although, i was told by one or two that i needed to loose weight.)

i honestly tried to gain weight.

i tipped the 100 scale, and was satisfied with myself.

i got married, and i got pregnant. 

my pregnancy was horrible. the doctor said it was because i was too skinny.

i gained 26 lbs total.

i had my daughter, and when i left the hospital, i had dipped below the 100 mark again. 

i was proud of myself. i did nothing and i was small again.

i got pregnant again, and it was nearly as bad as the first.

it was different though, because i gained over 50 lbs and definitely left the hospital weighing more than i had ever weighed.

i felt horrible.

it was silly, but i wanted to weigh the 100 lbs again. 


i had a pudgy belly and i was sad about it. 

flash forward to now. 


my baby is almost 4 months. 


i have lost quite a bit of weight, but was still not happy about myself.

why!?

i *finally* realized that it wasn't enough to weigh that certain weight to be happy with 
myself. 


i feel tired all the time and struggle to do anything slightly athletic. 

i realize now that i have been in denial my whole life about being in shape.


being skinny does not mean that i am in 
shape. 

i eat horribly, i don't exercise and you know what? i finally care.

(i say that as i am eating chocolate chips. ugh)

i don't want to just be skinny. i want to have energy.

i want to be able to run and play freeze tag with my family without feeling horrible after 5 minutes. 

blake has promised to help me get in shape, and believe me, he is doing his job.

we started a few days ago, and right now, i am not able to do more than 10 sit ups (even with cheating a bit), and i can't do push ups. 

but, we are starting day 3 of 'getting meichelle in shape', and i have never felt better. 

i am exhausted from it all, but i have energy.

i am sore from head to foot.

but i now realize that i am lazy and out of shape. 

and i am finally doing something about it.